BOOO

Well let's see who checks this nearly-dead blog the most often. My bet's on Nicole.
Aight so crazy news mega super happy time:
Tweezers stabbing.
Shootout at OK corral (2008)
Death Cane. I'd name the cane 'Mc'
NOM NOM NOM
Crack gramma
I see one of you doing this for a living. At least one.
MOAR NOM NOM NOM
Phelps isn't the only one breaking records. :(
NOT THE EGGS
NOM NOM NOM 3: The Re-Baconing

Bible excerpts that scare me

In a (possibly) new weekly segment, I give you a quote from the Bible the frightens me.

First I give you not one, but TWO quotes about killing, yes KILLING, any child who is even vaguely disobedient.

"For every one who curseth his father of his mother shall be surely put to death: he hath cursed his father or his mother; his blood SHALL BE upon him." Leviticus 20:9

Basically, say something bad about yo momma / yo daddy, you can be killed without further thought.

"And he that smiteth his father, or his mother, shall surely be put to death." Exodus 21:15

Also along the lines of killing all who hurt, emotionally or physically, their parents.

Be good, kids!

George Carlin

George Carlin, comedic genius, died Monday afternoon from heart failure.
After all this talk about not feeling emotions anymore, this is the one event that's driven me almost to tears.
Perhaps it's all the other, subconsciously repressed emotions all coming out now. Perhaps we now find out where my true priorities lie, a comedian I've never met.

Whatever, this is still a terrible event. He was one of the few men still alive I wanted to 'meet', if only seeing them from a distance. This is the second or third time this has happened; where someone I'd love to meet dies before I get the chance to even see them. I had tickets to his concert a few months ago, but my plans changed and I couldn't go.
Josef Zawinul, famous jazz fusion keyboardist, died last September, before his tour came to Virginia.

I'd love to say some sensitive shit about how 'life is short' and such; but I have upwards of 70 years left. I got plenty of time. I guess the moral is that with the death of a person, you lose all they gave/could give, especially in the case of entertainers as original and unique as George.

But I'd just like to show my respect for this man, his beliefs, and his talents the only way I really can. He was a genius, both comedic and sociological, and even had the ability to talk about the worst cuss words, then turn around and host/narrate a kid's show. I do own all his books, so If anyone would like to borrow them, I highly recommend them; especially if you haven't experienced Carlin's unique brand of comedy. I like the quote from John Hargrave, another comedian, "He'll be remembered for "Seven Words You Can't Say On TV," but that's like the Beatles being remembered for "Hey Jude." ". It's very true-he was so prolific and original.

I'll leave with an anecdote presented by Hargrave, from his friend.

I found myself on a plane with George Carlin. We were both riding in first class. Before the plane took off, I had to endure people reaching over me to get his autograph, he signed them all and was very gracious about the whole thing.

Immediately after takeoff, the flight attendant came and took our dinner orders. It became apparent that Mr. Carlin had planned his trip to be a working trip. He asked for his meal to be brought at the last possible second before the descent to land. He wanted to get as much work done as possible on his Macbook and didn't want to be interrupted by the whole dinner ordeal.

I knew that, if I were going to get a conversation with George Carlin, it would be at that moment: when his meal arrived. So I waited and worked on my own laptop. Finally, four and a half hours into the flight, the attendant brought out his meal. I shut down my computer and took my opportunity. I turned to him and said, "Mr. Carlin, I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate you not disturbing me during this flight and allowing me to finish my work. It's so hard to get things done on airplanes and I really do appreciate it."

George Carlin busted out laughing.

Once you've got George Carlin laughing, you can do almost anything, right? I continued on, and we had a pleasant conversation. I commented to Carlin that I was amazed at his observational skills, that most people don't notice the little things around them. Carlin disagreed immediately. He said, "On the contrary, EVERYONE has great observational skills. Otherwise, no one would know what I was talking about when I say something like, 'You ever open up the refrigerator and...'. If no one noticed things, no one would find it funny."

Carlin then revealed his secret. He opened his Macbook and showed me his folders: a detailed filing system with over 2500 categories where he stored every observation that he had made over the years. "Everyone notices everything," he said, "the difference between them and me is that they don't know what to do with it once they notice it. I do. Most people just forget about it, until I mention it again in my bit and make them laugh."

He was one of the few last original greats of entertainment. After this, our feeble grasp on decent entertainment slips, as it all falls back onto standardized, computer-generated crap that the masses are subtly forced to love.

3:00 AM OD on caffiene mints and orange soda

So as you may or may not know, my father's getting re-married this coming Monday. While he's stressing and sometimes freaking, I am, as usual, unaffected by the current situation. I've noticed this happening more and more recently; I just can't... process... events and situations into emotions, I barely get excited for things I've been waiting forever for and that mean a lot to me. Very few events and moments hold a special place, that make me happy they happened, or make me disgusting just remembering. I almost feel as if I'm in a stupor, or possibly not meant for this time and place, definitely not tiny Greene County.
It's not necessarily 'wanderlust', as much as I like traveling, more that just wishing I had something to do now to be able to begin the rest of my life; this just seems like the dull, redundant series of events that are made seemingly mandatory by society. I wish I could just go to college now for music, not worrying about the basic plot of a book I hate and will never come up in conversation, or some meaningless date of the birth of some guy who means nothing to me, or some meaningless math equation I'll never need to use or know about.
I just wish this stupid 'no child left behind' would go away; it's hurting everyone, passing people who shouldn't just so everyone looks good. I also wish there was some way to describe your situation to strangers, even if you shouldn't care what they think of the tall, chubby guy wearing makeup, a long dress, and far-too small high heels buying ice cream at the local joint. Back to the school, kids should be able to choose ALL classes they want to take, not having any mandatory (well of course, you'd had to of taken Algebra 2 for Precalc, etc. but I mean full tracts of courses). I'm sure this would lead to many taking few to none classes, but these are the people who would end up head fry chef at McDonalds anyway, so that's class time and teacher's stress levels saved. While it's nice to of learned things in BRVGS and other classes I have taken, I'll never need the information. I'm sure Megan, if you decide to be a volcanologist, will not have to know about the history of European Religions at any point in time, but I'd imagine you would enjoy learning about them.
Alas, the government tells us this is how it is, so we accept it.
Alas, the Bible tells us this is how it is, so we accept it.
Alas, our neighbor tells us this is how it is, so we accept it.
I'm tired of the 'socially acceptable' bullshit. These things we spend years of our lives so that new coworker doesn't assume you're an idiot because you didn't go to a full four-year college.
People need to base their ideas on others on the person, not being pedantic about things, and listening to why they only went to college for one year, why they don't know the history of New Guinea.
Knowledge only needs to be known for the task you do. The rest, basically, is all bullshit mating rituals and customs.
Thank you, Andrea, for being so different and so loving, so beautiful and smart, so unique (just like everyone else), and understanding me, caring for me, and (if possible) understanding the above rant, and thanks for being so awesome. I love you.
Thank you, everyone else, for maybe embracing change and living not just for the sake of living.

Oh; and almost forgot why I posted in the first place; My dad's wedding.
I'm the director of music for it, and they don't want the traditional wedding march. Any ideas for what could be used instead?
I was thinking Beatles, one of the more acoustic ballad-y songs.
But if anyone else has a suggestion, I'm happy to listen.

News, Finally

Alright; It's two AM, I just downed some unidentified carbonated beverage in a can, I'm incredibly bored AND hyper, so this only means one thing: THE NEWS! (For the first time in like, ever since I've done this...)

Well, thanks to dial-up, I haven't been able to watch the video, but this looks like the most amazing idea in cleaning ever. He's apparently now developing a whole system to be able to play a real-life version of Pac-Man, which I demand be in my house... I may try to do the same, only with ghetto remote control cars.

A guy was arrested for driving a cooler, legally considered a motor vehicle. Oh, but he was drunk at the time so it's officially a DUI, even though he was on the sidewalk and doing like, 10 mph. I almost converted my tuba case into a little motorized cart, back when it was about 2/3 my size...

Well, despite the overall cheesiness of the article, It's a good segue from coolers to beer. A Hotel in Nashville, Tennessee is basically supplying the daily meal of a real man (redneck or not) for free to each of their guests in honor of some country music festival. They have some skewed perception of 'redneck' though, because pretty much every bachelor lives off of those same items, and I know most rednecks wouldn't drink beer with an actual label on it.

Speaking of travel, in case you haven't heard, because of the ass-rapingly (great adjective/adverb) high gas prices, Airplane companies will begin charging you for every little thing, including their required bag checks, and probably even charge extra for the air in the cabins. Up to three times the original ticket prices. My only hope now is they perfect the atomic transporter soon, so we won't have to use any more gas. (and yes, all our power will come from magic. What else?)

I'm glaaad to be an American. Not proud; just glad.

This has been a fairly publicized incident, but in case you didn't hear, a couple of guys easily broke into a art museum using a phone. They called security, told them that the security company was having issues with the system, and told them to ignore any alarms that night. All they had to do then was sneak past the ONE guard inside the museum as he went for a smoke, and steal $2 million in gold sculptures and necklaces. The few working cameras couldn't catch anything because all the lights were off in order to save electricity costs. This reminds me of how easy it is for two kids to sneak into a Plutonium manufacturing plant in the Manhattan Project, a cool movie about... well, pretty much about that. Aah, the 80's, so insecure, yet awesomely horrible. (As soon as I finished typing that, "Sweet Dreams Are Made of This" came on!:])

Going back to the food topic for a moment, A small drink manufacturer has plans to begin shipping out 'Drank', an anti-energy drink. This basically puts you to sleep, and goes well with vodka, like they needed to be combined into some liquid sleep-ray. I hope that this means, at some point in the near future, we can control all aspects of our life through the oral cavity. Everything from waking up, to learning math and science, to growing, to dying, all can be substituted by a medicine-y tasting soft drink with a CRAAZY label and/or mascot and/or ad campaign. Especially Comatose Cola. Death Drink? Age beverage? Learning Liquid...

And finally, an event that I'm sure had just put everyone in a state of turmoil and distress, and you just cannot function anymore knowing that this has happened.

Oh; and I guess I should give you a link to my father's blog on the construction, even if none of you have seen the original house, you can at least obnoxiously spam the comments. It's really worth a look, though, so you see what I'm living through right now. And if you can see the window on the existing house right where the construction is? THAT's where I've been sleeping for the past few weeks, and THAT's where the Mexicans come to work at 6:30.

Re-design

Pardon the temporary mess; I was bored of the old design and I'm too lazy to finish up the HTML tonight, so here's a preview of what's to come.

So I was really bored, and found the translation to the 'Z' part of Charlie the Unicorn 2:


Blue Unicorn:"The man with the hat sent us!"
Pink Unicorn: "He told us many amazing stories!"
Both: "Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!"
Charlie: "What?"
Pink: "Tonight we will dine on turtles!"
Blue: "They will be good, Z!"
Z: *shoots laser*
Charlie: "Aaah! What did you two do?!"
Both: "Z!!!!!"
Blue: "I am happy!"
Both: "Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!"
Charlie: "Just keep walking, Charlie. Keep walking


And while I'm at it, lyrics to the banana song:


Charlie, you look quite down.
With your big fat eyes, and your big fat frown.
The world doesn’t have to be so grey!

Charlie, when you’re life’s a mess,
When you’re feeling blue, always in distress,
I know what can wash that sad away.
All you have to do is;

Put a banana in you’re ear!
(A banana in my ear?)
Put a ripe banana right into your favourite ear.
It’s true (says who?) So true.
Once it’s in your gloom will disappear.
The bad in the world is hard to hear,
When in your ear a banana cheers,
So go and put a banana in your ear!

Put a banana in your ear!
(I’d rather keep my ear clear.)
You will never be happy if you live your life in fear.
It’s true (says you.) so true,
When it’s in the skies are bright and clear.
Oh every day of every year,
The sun shines bright on this big blue sphere,
So go and put a banana in your ear!

Of course it's a 'Seinfeld' reference...

Okay, so I just saw an ad for an Eggo product:

EGGO MUFFIN TOPS

Now, at first, it sounded good. Too good. Then I realized that it was, in fact, STOLEN from a Seinfeld episode ("The Muffin Tops" season 8) about an owner of a publishing company who gets the idea from Elaine to start a store that only sells tops of muffins (because they are the 'loose, free' part of the muffin). One of my favorite episodes in general, too.



Anyways, their commercial could've been amazing. Instead of the animated junk they normally have, get Wayne Knight (Newman) to try to steal Jerry's Muffin Tops. Or something. I would buy it purely if they had Newman on the front.

:)

There really are some things that can defy any description...
but damn if they aren't the best.

The Last Supper

Just if I already wasn't 'going to hell' already, here's three more desecrations of this famous painting. What I don't get, though, is how people treat it as a freakin' photograph of the event. It was painted 1,600 years later, it was in no way an exact duplication of what happened. That disciple on His right was NOT a subtle hint it may of been Mary Magdaline. Damn.
Notice, also, that the 'Judas'is mostly well placed; Mario for Donkey Kong, Bluto for Popeye, but Donald I don't get...

Bleh.

Apparently some of you were really freaked about the little sign that showed your information. Just so you know, all websites can do this and much more, and there's NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT MWAHAHA.
Just kidding; there's quite a few different methods, but they're all basically pointless.
Anyway




Very quick links; it's 6AM, guys.
Porn Pastor

The first couple to get married in space.

A cemetery buys a freakin' forklift for the morbidly obese deceased (heh that rhymes. But seriously, that's both hilarious and really sad about how much people have sucked in the past 25 years...

We salute you, pole.

This actually looks pretty cool, being from Japan and all.

Very cool article; but I wonder how the Japanese cherry is explained? (it has red leaves)I would like a world full of rainbow plants, if possible. At least purple and blue...

Hypnocube.

Quite possibly the most amazing cover for anything, ever, aside from the suit made of the same material.

and with that, I will complete this once again pointless post.

S'more random links

Well, Andrea already saw this, but it's too amazing for the world not to know. Some pretty bad language in there, but shouldn't be a problem.

An interesting article about dreams and sleep. I need to try this out sometime; I tend not to dream much.

Very good idea for Andrea....just kidding.

Well, yeah; Sex = money

The Heart That Did Not Want to Live. Probably starring Mel Gibson, or Pee-wee Herman.

And I'm sure you heard of the awesome web jokes on 4/1/08 - Virgle, Google's time-altering email system, certain webcomics, Youtube, etc. etc. I love those kinds of things.

News, because it happened.

I is a shark :)

85 inches?! Sorry you missed it, Andrea.

Best headline ever. Proof anything can be made even more awesome by adding a few choice words. I'm moving to Australia, now.

Continuing the "best's", the best excuse for speeding ever. Funny that the cop "accidentally" put DUI first. Oreo-milk = the new "cool" drink?

Also, there's a little-known fact that you can haggle prices with nearly any store, Including giants such as Wall-Mart, etc. You can even get bargains on pants (to hold parties in) and other clothes. No word yet on restaurants, though, but I will be the first one to pay 75 cents for something on a dollar menu (probably not, since I don't eat fast food, ever; Ian, try it - I know that you'll be in a McDonalds at any point in time).

The ultimate resource for your intarwebs information desires. Been using this for everything that needed to be known ever.

That's about it for now.
OH! new E-mail = whizkid9344@gmail.com
I got bored of the old one.

Improve on the idea of 'Roboninja action-dragon-man with lazor pirate ships for feet that runs purely on bacon grease, whose feet's pirates make and eat bacon, then use the grease for fuel' in the comments, if your minds can handle that kind of amazing.
BTW, that'll be BRVG's mascot if it's amazing enough, purely because I said so.

Get me a cowbell for my birthday and be my hero.

-----EDIT-----
The average salary for a rapist?

-----EDIT 2-----
PROOF.

I dunno...

I needed a post for March, so here it is.

And while I'm already posting, what other *essential* phrases are needed in Latin?

Quickly

Just a quick post to test out some new features I've figured out; I can help anyone if they want their blog to be awesome like mine is now.
test
test
test
wabbajack wabbajack
wabbajack wabbajack
Wabbajack
Yes, I realize all the previous posts and header are kinda skewed now; I'll fix it later, it's past midnight at this point.

EDIT:
YES! After another twenty minutes, I figured out that you have to make it so EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER of text that could ever possibly be anywhere has to be formatted. ugh.

random news

okayokay.
lots of amazing stuff I found.

First, Valentine's day.
some off-color cards for the day.

Then there's translating the entire Bible into lolcat-speak.
I can has been saved?
Of course, the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti monster is already halfway there.

Speaking of Him, the holocaust, among other things, apparently never happened.

CBS discovers that, contrary to the popular belief that it is poison, chocolate is, actually, delicious.

And Spongebob characters (including Gary ^.^) dubbing over classic movies..

Finally, the world has officially begun the apocalypse.
His noodly appendage must intervene!

My life...

Just got finished watching the movie Conspiracy Theory, with Mel Gibson. It's basically this insane guy with all these crazy conspiracy theories...that end up being RIGHT!

Anyways, he reminds me of...me, and he always has a copy of Catcher in the Rye, my new favorite book. Plus, some of his theories are pretty awesome ones; like NASA wants to kill the president by creating earthquakes...from space!

He makes his house so that if he needs to, he can burn down the entire apartment, without the fire spreading to the rest of the apartment building. Better yet, he has amazing security system for his house - check out the movie.



In other news, a male prostitute beats up a cat for coke money.
I can also relate.

I can now die happy..

I just found out that in France, a baby can now officially be named - even if it is scheduled for abortion. This could possibly lead to women getting pregnant, then an abortion, just to have been counted as having children; which counts for a lot in France - more children ensure an earlier retirement, and generally better pay at work. I can see it now-"Woman has 85th abortion: will retire at age 28. Husband too tired for comment"
Crazy French, and their crazy language that stole from the far superior Romans...

Also, LAZER SHARKZ CAN ARE ATAKS UR COMUNEIKAYSHUNZ NETWURKS

and, for da ladies, you can get papal guidance messaged to your phone, recorded by the pope himself. Apparently, when he looks asleep, is really covering up text messaging Biblical quotes, His words, and spiritual guidance to his close friends. And you think I'm joking.
Confucius and the Dali Lama are soon to follow.

As well as dating tips specially designed for your astrological sign by our Experts-only $.99 for your first tip*
*and $9.99 for each subsequent letter

haha...I just tried to spellcheck that and it downright refused to do so...
yeah, I need to go to bed.

PS - just found this awesome picture of the pope, demonstrating His Holy Pimp-Smack...of Antioch!

ALEX B

Describe me in 15-20 words...